it’s coming up on nearly a month since i last made a text post so let’s just start with a general update:

a few weeks ago i got bakeracted. that means i was taken away to a facility for my own safety, because i almost killed myself. i spent two days there and was released on the morning of the third day.

i’m doing better now but i have to retrace my steps and take legal action against the people harassing me. it’s a process i’m still psyching myself up for because it’s been ingrained in me to think that all of this was my fault, despite three different professionals (one being my psychiatrist, two being the counselor at the facility who determined which side i went to, and three being my case manager) telling me it wasn’t my fault even after hearing everything.

i’ll be on the job hunt, likely doing clerical stuff if i can manage it because i have enough experience as a volunteer to swing that kind of job. but only after i deal with my mental stuff.

i haven’t stopped self harming. i guess you never really do when you’ve been doing it for so long. i didn’t think i’d relapse at all at first? it seemed like i would have just moved on with the medicine making me feel the way it did. i was sorely wrong and i kinda wish i hadn’t jinxed it. the key is to not blame myself and just work towards retracing my steps to recovery.

i’m also learning that it’s…not a bad thing to love. it’s not “creepy” or “shallow” and there’s many kinds of love. i’m learning more about the hows and whys of love. i’m understanding more of myself every day, even just a little bit at a time.

overall, still struggling. but it’s a process, not a switch. having bad days doesn’t invalidate recovery. bad days are normal. i’m just getting used to having “days” as opposed to everything being depression.