This is mostly a band blog, but there's some other stuff here too.
it’s coming up on nearly a month since i last made a text post so let’s just start with a general update:
In other news I threw up again after not doing so for months and it’s because I had to move blogs again after a suicidal episode.
I didn’t actually move any of the posts over from the other blog, I just straight up deleted it and told people I was moving on the old main. Apparently I can’t just casually have BPD without people trying to label me as dangerous while stalking me and making personal attacks and expecting me to not react because I guess to them no one else is supposed to have feelings??? And I’m not allowed to react like a ND person does??? Idk if that’s related to their autism or not but it’s no excuse, which they believe it is. The amount of ableism coming from other ND ppl is astounding sometimes.
I am so sorry friends, I have been awful about regularly being here. Mental illness + recovery is a pain in the neck. The good news is I’m getting better. I’ve been on Celexa for two months now and it’s still working like a charm. I have slight dissociation and get down sometimes but nothing like the constant depression + anxiety I experienced before. I actually dropped self-harming altogether because I tried it again and it didn’t feel the same, so there was no point. Dropped one harmful coping mechanism, picked up another healthier one to deal with dissociation. :’)
I’ll try to be here more often but no guarantees, idk what the next month is really going to be like with the muse being what it is. :v
Alright I have been TERRIBLE about updating here but I’ll try to make it brief.
It’s been a month since I’ve been on Celexa and the improvements have been pretty significant. I don’t have physical panic attacks at seeing my abuser’s urls and I’m not easily startled anymore. I don’t think about killing myself every time I make a small mistake or think about old mistakes. I’ve stopped blaming myself for things that aren’t my fault. I don’t entirely consider myself a burden. I don’t think I’m worthless. I self-harmed a few days ago to see if it felt the same and it didn’t, so I won’t be doing that anymore. I love living.
The only part of this that actually sucked is the mood swings whenever the AFAB hormonal cycle comes through as usual. Before I would just be in pain and I never got PMS or anything like that but now I turn into a dungeon dragon :T so I gotta be scarce. It’s strange to me because I never knew what the PMS experience was like and now I do, and props to people who have had it the whole time and learned how to deal with it, because I still have to learn. I think that shit boils down to staying away from everyone and binge-watching movies or tv shows.
Anyway. I am doing so much better. I have my third appointment tomorrow and I’ll be getting a therapist sometime in June.
Sunday nights can be pretty rough. Try not to let yourself get too sad or anxious about the week ahead. You can get through anything that’s going to happen this week. You will do marvelous things and it’ll be WONDERFUL.
Whoops I haven’t been on much at all and probably still won’t be but I’m definitely doing better. It’s been a week and Celexa is actually improving my mood overall. I can have flashbacks without going into a panic, and when I’m happy about something I’m REALLY happy so it’s. Just a wonderful feeling. The only problem is it makes me sleep a lot. Once I’m awake I’m fine, but it’s sooo hard to wake up.
I started my medication tonight (I’m on Celexa) and I’m hoping it’ll help, so the first four days of the 5 mg dose is gonna be fun. I know I’m not on much but I’ll try to at least make a daily thing to record it.
At the moment it’s about an hour into having taken the first dose and I’m a little sleepy, maybe a little more than usual, but I’ve also been going to bed kind of early the last week or so because my schedule got messed up. We’ll see how it makes me feel in the morning and whether or not I have odd dreams.
Good morning
Yesterday I had my psychiatry appointment and I was prescribed Celexa. Hopefully we pick it up today and it’ll work.
Hello friends, it’s been a few weeks since I last mentioned getting a therapist.
The first therapy session is in three weeks and I already feel myself slipping back into the pit. (blacklist the therapy tag if you don’t want to see future posts like this because it’s almost a given I’ll be talking about good and bad things)